Lebron Gretzky Part 2: Sticks & Stones

“And like flowers in the fields, that make wonderful views, when we stand side-by-side in our wonderful hues..

We all make a beauty so wonderfully true.
We are special and different, and just the same, too!

So whenever you look at your beautiful skin, from your wiggling toes to your giggling grin...

Think how lucky you are that the skin you live in, so beautifully holds the "You" who's within.” 

― Michael Tyler, The Skin You Live In 

We never told Myles about our hesistation with him playing hockey, and we certainly didn't want to temper his enthusiasm for something he was beginning to enjoy so thoroughly. Our concern was primarily the lack of diversity in the sport. We researched all the racial incidents that'd occured to players of color in the NHL and junior leagues, and wondered if our son would incur similar resentment. Maybe we were just being paranoid? The first time Myles experienced a racial incident; he had no idea it even happened. We were walking home from shooting baskets at our neighborhood park when a car full of teenagers drove by and shouted the "N" word at us; he was just three years old.

As he turned 10, hockey was moving from development to an emphasis on competition. As the competition ramped up so did the physicality of the sport. During one game Myles was playing particularly well against a neighboring rival. He scored a couple of goals, was all over the ice challenging and competing to the max on every shift. I could see that he was continually "mixing it up" with one particular kid on the other team. As the game ended, we won handily, it was now time for the traditional handshake line where the players from both teams meet at center ice in single file line and shake hands as a show of sportsmanship. During the handshakes, I'd noticed Myles and a few of our players were engaging in pretty spirited verbal exchange with players on the opposing team. Pretty soon, two or three of our guys (Myles included) were skating after the opposing team as they skated off the ice. As the other team exited the ice, Myles went after a kid and punches were exchanged. I thought to myself, that's out of character for him. Secertly I was smiling inside because my little guy was showing toughness, although we've never advocated fighting, hockey is not a sport for those who shy away from physical confrontation. 

As I walked to the lobby of the arena to wait for Myles to change out of his gear, I could tell that there were parents who were quietly thinking Myles may have gone too far and was out of line to start a fight. No one said it to my face, but I could feel it. Hey, we won the game, my kid played great and he kicked some butt; today is a good day! While I'm standing off by myself not feeling the energy of other parents, my wife Jacqui was engaging in her usual rounds of social pleasentries. She soon came over and asked me what I thought got into Myles. I said I had no idea, nor a problem with what he did. "Well we don't want our son starting fights, and you need to talk to him" she said. 

Shortly thereafter Myles' coach appeared in the lobby and signaled me over. Uh oh here we go, now this guy is gonna try and lecture me too? As I approached him he didn't appear upset or angry, but more saddened. "Mr. Cunningham, a member of the other team called Myles a "N*****". What? "Yeah, I spoke with the coach and he made the kid come into our locker room and apologize to Myles personally. Myles is pretty upset".  My heart sank, I wanted to rush into that locker room and grab my son and get the hell out of there, but I waited outside the locker room because I knew Myles would not want me to do that. As he appeared through the door all he said was, "let's go!" I yelled over to Jacqui, "let's go."

As we took the short drive home from the game my wife began with, "Myles what happened, why were you fighting"? Myles still visibly upset (he'd clearly been crying) didn't answer. "I'm talking to you", Jacqui said. I chimed in, "honey give him a minute, I'll explain later". As we pulled ito the garage, Myles didn't even bother to take his hockey gear out of the car. He went straight to his room and closed the door.

Jacqui came straight over to me. "What happened"? "One of the kids on the other team, called Myles a "N*****", I said. I had never seen her look so angry and disgusted before. I'm not sure I ever shared with her the earlier instance when Myles was just three years old; so in her mind this was the first time shehad to deal with it, and it stung her deeply. I let her vent about it for a period of time while we decided what to do next. What would we say to Myles? We knew we'd eventually have to have "THE TALK" with both our kids, but we didn't think it would come this soon. 

Every black parent knows about "THE TALK". This is when you have to prepare your child for the inevitable prejudice, ignorance, and bigotry that at some point in their life they will experience. In the 1991 book "Why Black People Tend to Shout", author Ralph Wiley states, " black people tend to shout in churches, movie theaters and anywhere else they feel a need to shout, because when joy, pain, anger, confusion and frustration, ego and thought mix it up the way they do inside black people, the uproar is too big to hold inside.The feeling must be aired".  We were angry, and wanted to shout.

We prepared ourselves for what we would say. We'd start by telling him that this was not his fault, that he did nothing wrong. That there are people in this world who are incredibly stupid, and he would have to know how to navigate a world where some people would deem him unworthy and would be threatened by his mere presence. This was their problem, not his. You are far more than what others will try and limit you to, so don't ever stop being proud of who you are and what you want to be. This was a critical moment as a parent and that was not lost on us; there is nothing in a parenting handbook to prepare you for these critical moments. We had to reaffirm our son's identity and ensure his self confidence. Ironically, I felt strongly that I needed to encourage Myles to go all in on this hockey thing; he couldn't quit.  I feared he might lose interest in the sport because he didn't feel he belonged. My own competitive fire had now been stoked. I was going to do whatever I could to encourage him to stick with it. It was time to get busy!

We fielded calls all night long from concerned parents, coaches, and friends who had heard the news. We were grateful that so many parents simply wanted to know what they could do, how could they help express their outrage and disgust. Up to this point we'd certainly felt the hockey experience was a welcoming environment, but this is the first time we witnessed the deep commadre and caring of the hockey parent community. We realized that we'd established genuine friendships based on shared experience and these relationships trascended sports; it was such a huge benefit to know that we had so much support and great friendships. But we still hadn't talked to Myles yet.

Myles had gone to bed early which was defintely atypical. No video games, no computers, just quiet. He was surprisingly willing to talk about it which was encouraging. I know the incident had surprised and hurt him, but it did nothing to diminish his spirit. By the end of the night we were laughing and joking about how much he was "owning" the other team and that's what set them off. He described for us exactly what happened, then asked if we could go to Dairy Queen and get Blizzards-- yes my boy and let's super size them!

Sticks & Stones.

"There’s a strong group of uncommitted defensemen in-state, highlighted by big, athletic Blake defenseman Myles Cunningham and highly mobile forward-turned-defenseman Clayton Phillips, who is skating for Edina’s varsity as a sophomore. Three towering defensemen with great upside include Lakeville South sophomore Nate Knoepke, Duluth East freshman Luke LaMaster, and draft-eligible Warroad senior Luke Jaycox. They all compare favorably to many of the remaining uncommitted prospects across the country."

--  Jasper Kozak-Miller for Minnesota Hockey Magazine (December 11, 2014)